Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent