Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.