I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.