Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.