If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.