I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.