I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Strangers have the best candy.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..