Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Strangers have the best candy.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.