Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Strangers have the best candy.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.