Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird