Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.