Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Basketball games are very squeaky.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I need to update my racial profile.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.