I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.