There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback