People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.