Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.