Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.