My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?