What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.