Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.