Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.