A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.