I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
The Sun’s probably Asian.