I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.