There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.