Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.