Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD