I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.