I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.