Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I am having an out of money experience.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.