I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.