ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.