To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate