My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 馃檨
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows