I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂