WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry