Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.