My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.