Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”