I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”