My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.