I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.