My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.