Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀