Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them