Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.