We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.