If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.