I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy