I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.